Araneae

In a web of lies and truth
The spider just casually crawls
Through its prey
Spindling, feeding, living
Not living yet not leaving
Fixing and living
Surviving.
It's another day,
and the web shall be mended on and on
Thinner than a thread.
What if I just hang on it
With my head
Rattled, chewing every single day
Every single prey
I pray
Wherefore art thou still living
Am I
Still living?
The horizon doesn't end.
It doesn't make sense.

hide and seek

Written November 2, 2017

It only happened once.

Yes it did.

But it's scary.

So I brushed it off my mind and thought it's not a mem'ry.

It only happened once.

Or maybe.

Did it really occur?

Maybe it's not what I think it is.

It happened.

Yes it did.

And maybe it didn't

Because the world doesn't know it did

But it happened.

Not once.

Maybe a million times

And it keeps replaying in my head

Because I know it did.

And I'm not wrong

It isn't right

And I'm not dreaming

As it keeps replaying

The monster is in me.

I had a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare

It's worse than a nightmare.

And the monster keeps showing

Engulfing me in the darkness

Sucking me alive...

No! No please! No!

I don't want it!

Help me!!!

It happened once.

It happened forever.

And I'm scared.

#ptsd #abuse #childhood

...

It helps not to think about yourself to save yourself.

thoughts

Sometimes I feel like a gecko whose tongue lashes through the air when I see flies lurking around. Sadly, these little insects move faster, leaving me hungry while they buzz through the day laughing at my defeat. 

I remember you

I remember you in the rain

As we’d once felt each drop caress our skin.

I remember your sun-kissed hair

As the wind blows while we watch those foamy waves.

You told me you love the sun

Because with its rays you feel that you are free.

You told me of your desire

To set this land into liberty.

Perhaps I would never understand

Some of those things you said to me.

Perhaps I wouldn’t know

Whatever happened in those days you’re not with me.

But…

I wouldn’t forget the smile in your lips

When you listen to the chirping birds in the city.

I won’t forget the sadness in your eyes

When you feel that things just shouldn’t be.

The stiffness in your fair yet crumpled fist,

Is not forgotten, never would be.

The way you talk

Will forever be in my memory.

Because you fought for me

And for everybody.

And maybe, I’ll never see you again

But I know once in a while, we’ll remember you.

beating of my heart

If only I could play a guitar
I would string out some chords
to say what's on my mind.
Maybe I could make a song,
but all I have is the beating of my heart.

If I know how to press the piano keys
and know how to make some melody
perhaps I would compose a symphony
but would you feel sorry
if all I have is the rhythm of my heart?

I can sing, but I'm not good
so maybe I could hum a love song
but the wind'll just carry it away
so is it okay to be out of tune
when it expresses the message of my heart?

I know I cannot make some music
it won't be good to your ears
yet I wish you could hear
the music that I feel
when you're called by the beating of my heart.

my little star

I gazed at a star
it was a tiny soft light
and wished I could hold it
at the palm of my hand.

I'm sure it would be warm
to comfort me in the cold night
and maybe its little glow
will cheer my lonely heart.

One night I tried to find it
but can't see it anywhere.
Where's my little light?
Where's my tiny star?

"Mommy, I'm here", i heard something within
and then I felt her move inside me.
She feels warm and is lovely
and surely, she's my little star I wished to be. :)